My son is now 5 weeks old. Firstly, where the hell has the time gone? Secondly, I still find it very strange to say out loud that I have a son, but I do, and right now he’s having a nap so I’m taking my blogging opportunities where I can get them.
I’ve learnt a great deal about myself over the past 5 weeks, I’ve learnt more about my husband, more about us, and I’ve learnt that you very quickly realise that life in clean clothes is a distant memory.
I’ve also learnt that being a Mum is a lonely business. I am besotted with my son and would walk through fire for him, but he’s quite dull when it comes to making conversation. Mainly I talk at him, and he responds by looking away, looking confused, or by giving me a windy smile which is a sure fire clue that a massive poo is on its way.
To put it bluntly, a lot of the time I’m bored. How could I not be? Even when I do have things to do its stuff like making up a feed, changing nappies, and managing to eat/drink something no matter how unhealthy. I actually believe I’m powered predominantly by sugar right now. A dear friend of mine lent me her box set of “Sex And The City” which has helped to break up the day. Although it’s just finished so I need something else to give me a viewing fix.
Day to day I try and think of things to do. I’m fortunate that several of my good friends are in the same position as me, but I can’t spend all of my time with them. I also have new NCT friends, but Ed was born a few weeks before any of them had their babies so they are where I was a while back – namely in a state of sleep deprivation and unfathomable emotions, and therefore are not yet ready for meeting up.
Most days I walk into town (oh the excitement) and look longingly at clothes I can no longer fit into – turns out a lot of my pregnancy weight was down to me being a complete fat knacker in the food department and not the baby. Or I’ll find something I need to buy, last week I actually wandered in to buy a jar of Nutella (there’s that sugar again). Town is never relaxing though, I have to know where the best changing facilities are, I also have to time the trips right to avoid feed times, or have to have food with me. Seeing as my boobs don’t work that means trying to find the brain capacity to do the formula making math. Honestly I forgot it was Easter yesterday so that’s a pretty big ask. Usually I’ll end up having a drink and a slice of cake somewhere, because that’s the best way to spend my poxy SMP, and the best way to reduce my waistline of course.
Let’s not forget that when I do leave the house I do it looking a complete state. Yes I take it as a win that I manage to shower and wash my hair every morning, and put some mascara on, but by the time it comes to actually going anywhere I will either have poo or sick on me, sometimes both, and the worst thing is…..I don’t even have the energy to care. Yep, I’ve lost the will to give a shit and to wash it off.
I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot, and I think the boredom and loneliness are definitely my maternal Achilles heel. I don’t mind my current Groundhog Day lifestyle. Nightfeeds are no problem, and I love all the cuddles I get with my little man. I just miss having adults to talk to. That’s why I perk up massively during evenings and weekends when Daddy is home. It’s also why I’m looking forward to starting going to a couple of Mum & baby groups, just to get some interaction. Although I am fully aware that all chat will be about lack of sleep, sore nipples and stool colour….chicken korma is the standard response in case you are wondering.
I wouldn’t change my life for the world, but man alive this first bit is tough. So many huge changes that no baby book can prepare you for. It’s hit the ground running and hope for the best time. Life has been flipped upside down by our little bundle and the adjustment from who I was to who I am now is huge. It’s a beautiful relentless privilege to be a parent. One I am so grateful to have, but I am going to reserve my right to have a bloody good moan about it whenever I like…seriously, it helps me stay sane!